Did you see the parody on phone messages Ginger found on the Internet? Ask her to show it to you. We have a copy in the church office. What if people phoning our church had to run the typical gauntlet?
Thank you for calling the Epworth United Methodist Church.
For English press one;
For Portuguese press two;
For Hebrew, press three;
For tongues, press four.
You have selected English. Please enter your three-digit envelope number now. If you do not have an envelope number, stay on the line and one will be assigned to you.
To leave a message for the minister, please press one;
For the secretary, press two;
For the treasurer, press three
For the Christian Education Director, press four;
For the custodian, press five;
For the music director press six.
You have selected the minister.
If this is about the Sunday service, press one;
If this is about Bible Study, press two;
If you are advertising something, hang-up;
If you are selling candy, please come to the office and leave a sample;
For other, press four;
To repeat this message, press nine.
You have selected Sunday service.
To request a shorter sermon, press one;
To comment on the music, press two;
To complain that the church is too hot, press three;
To complain that the church is too cold, press four.
You have selected music.
If the music is too fast, press one;
If the music is too slow, press two;
If you want newer hymns, press three;
If you want older hymns, press four;
If you want less music, press five;
If you want more music, press six;
To join the choir, press seven;
To volunteer to replace the organist when he is on vacation, press eight.
That is an invalid response. Please choose a number from one to eight.
To repeat the entire menu, press nine followed by the pound sign.
If you want to speak to a live person, please stay on the line and we will pray for you.
Your call is important to us, but not so important we would hire more operators to handle it.
Please listen to the Bible quotes while you wait for a representative to be available to take your call:
Love is patient—I Corinthians.
The ways of God are not our ways.
They who wait upon the lord shall mount up with wings like eagles.
And so I say to you, ‘wait’
The mill of God grinds exceedingly slow. (Ok, that’s not from the Bible)
Be not wearied in well doing.
A soft answer turneth away wrath.
The race is not always to the swiftest.
We are sorry, the office is closed for the day. Please call again during regular business hours, and remember, Heaven comes to him who waits.
Your pastor,
Jean L. Marsh